


Cooler Than You

by ThayerKerbasy



Series: Team No Chill [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Colby might be my new BroTP, Episode: s12e15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell, Gen, Hellhounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 09:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11826231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: Ever since Dean was a young boy,I've been there for the haulFrom cheap beers down to smoothies,I must have held them all.But I ain't done nothing like this--Never been in a brawl.That damn dumb evil hellhoundSure really likes to maul





	Cooler Than You

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't yet, go check out [part one](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11811792) of this series. [grey2510](http://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/series) breathed life into these characters first. I just couldn't resist taking them out for a spin. Bonus credit to Grey for the absolutely perfect summary.

He had been sat on, used as a footrest, and filled with beer, smoothies, and occasionally bottled water. On one particularly memorable occasion, he had held a still-living monster head captive for longer than he cared to recall. For a cooler, Coleman led a fairly interesting life. This, though, is not his kind of interesting.

He’s sandwiched between the demon Crowley and a girl Sam had called Gwen. Coleman doesn’t mind her so much, but Crowley has a tendency to leave the smell of rotten eggs behind whenever he disappears.

_Hey, at least it’s not inside you. Do you know how many pine scented air fresheners it takes to get that smell out of my interior?_

_Whatever, Baby. It’s not a fucking contest. He’s resting his elbow on me._

Cars don’t even have eyes, but Coleman gets the feeling Baby is rolling hers somehow. 

From the bag at Sam’s feet, Mac chimes in, _Will you two be quiet? I’m trying to research here. Seriously, are you both still bitter about one lousy summer two years ago?_

That actually wasn’t such a bad summer. Especially that 4th of July rodeo where they filled him with ice and expensive beer and set him down between their chairs to watch. Yeah, that was a good day. Mac and Baby don’t need to know that though.

_You know we can hear you, right?_ Baby interrupts his thoughts.

_Shut up, Baby._

_Coleman loves Crowley. Coleman loves Crowley. Hey, I thought you had the hots for Cas. Or is it both of them?_

_Next time Sam puts smoothies in me, I’m going to dump them all over your back seat._

The rest of the ride passes in horribly uncomfortable silence.

*

They stop on the edge of the woods and all the passengers get out. Words are exchanged about hellhounds and honestly, Coleman’s not listening. It’s not like there’s anything he can do against a hellhound. He’s content to sit where he is and hold their beer. He learned his lesson a year ago when Dean put that monster head inside him. Monster hunting is disgusting and tastes awful.

Because he’s not paying attention, Baby figures it out first. _No. Oh no. Oh Dean, no, what are you thinking?_

_What? What’s going on?_

_Dean’s staying here with Crowley! He’s letting Sam drive!_

Presumably only hearing Sam’s name, Mac asks, _Huh? What’s wrong with that?_

_Sam’s an awful driver! He rides the brakes, he hits all the potholes, he’s just way too rough!_

_What?! No way. Sam is kind and considerate and would never behave like that._

Coleman had been willing to stay out of it, but he can’t let that stand. _Yeah, no. Sorry Mac, but Sam’s only like that with his own stuff. You’re kinda new here, so I wouldn’t expect you to have noticed, but—_

Baby interjects, _One time, Sam crashed me so badly, Dean had to rebuild me from the ground up!_

_Baby, that was a demon driving a transport truck. It wasn’t Sam’s fault._

“Dean, I know how to drive,” says Sam.

“I’m just sayin’,” replies Dean. “Kay, just imagine she’s a— a beautiful woman.”

“Oh, come on, get outta here.” Sam opens the door to get in.

“A beautiful, beautiful woman.”

_See? Dean knows how to treat a lady._

“I’m done.”

“Sam.”

Off to one side, Crowley adds, “Ew.”

_Sorry, Baby. I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I’m with Crowley on this one._

_Suuuure. Like it’s the first time. Really, Coleman, what’s Cas going to say when he finds out?_

_You know what? I hope Sam hits every pothole on the road today._

_You don’t mean that._

_See if I don’t._

*

For the longest time, nobody says anything, not even Sam or girl of the week. Presumably, Mac is busy trying to catch wifi rays or something — Coleman has no idea how internets work, and he really doesn’t care — and Baby is busy with the whole driving thing, leaving Coleman to quietly enjoy having the back seat to himself again, besides the gear bag who never says a word. 

Out of nowhere, the girl says, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“This. It’s all my fault.”

“Gwen, this is not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. What happened to Marcus—” Her breathing gets quicker and she makes a little distressed noise.

_Oh no. Please don’t puke on my floor._

_Hah! You talked first, you lose._

_Oh shut up, she’s going to be sick._

“Pull over. Please.”

_Oh thank Chuck!_

_Really? You’re singing_ his _praises now? I didn’t see him doing anything particularly praiseworthy._

_He’s done a hell of a lot more than you ever have, Coleman. He rescued us. From the Darkness. And a_ giant pothole. _You should show him some respect._

If Coleman had fingers, he’d be giving a middle finger salute right now. He tries his very best to convey that notion anyway. It must work, because as Baby pulls over to the side of the road, she says, _Right back at you, honeybunch._

As soon as they’re stopped, the girl practically falls out the door. She must manage to get sufficiently far away, because the smell doesn’t reach them, but the sound sure does. Poor thing sounds like she’s puking up yesterday. Coleman can sympathize. The times Sam has left the remnants of a smoothie in him to go bad… If he could shudder, he would.

When she gets back in the car, she wipes her face, and then she and Sam talk a whole lot about whoever Marcus is — or was, since it sounds like he’s toast — and why she feels guilty. It’s a real downer, and Coleman wishes they could get moving again.

_Why are you so insensitive? Did having a monster head inside you turn you into one?_

_Woah, too far, Baby. Way too far. That was the worst day of my entire life._

_Oh, but you were entirely willing to make light of my personal trauma._

_But that’s not— I wasn’t making fun of you! I just said it wasn’t Sam’s fault!_

_No, you said you hoped Sam hit every pothole on the road. You_ know _how much that messes up my suspension._

Sam goes to turn the key in the ignition but then stops.

“What?” says Gwen.

There’s a growl from outside. “She’s here.”

_Baby, what’s going on?_

The growling turns into snarling and then the loud sound of a body being slammed into Baby’s hood.

_Dammit, that bitch just jumped on me!_

_Woah, hold on, Baby. It’s gonna be okay._

Another denting sound is followed by something crashing into the windshield.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, stay calm,” says Sam.

_It’s not fucking okay, Sam!_ Baby exclaims as a second spiderweb crack blossoms.

_He can’t hear you. Are you okay?_

“Alright,” says Sam. The thing — hellhound(?) — barks and climbs onto Baby’s roof.

_Shit! Do I look okay, asshat?_

Coleman lets the insult slide. Windows can be replaced, but it still hurts. She’s obviously upset and doesn’t mean it. The footsteps climb all the way back. Gwen, looking properly scared, says, “We should leave.”

_Yes! Good idea!_

_Hell yes! Get me away from that thing!_

“No no no, Gwen, I gotta take care of this,” replies Sam. “It’s the only way she’ll stop.”

He grabs a knife from the bag on the seat beside Coleman and there's another horrible sound as the back windshield cracks. The hellhound barks as Sam says, “Stay in the car, stay in the car!”

Gwen easily agrees and Coleman is on her side. 

Sam gets out and closes the door behind him, prompting the snarling creature to take a few more steps before finally jumping down off Baby.

_You’re gonna be okay, Baby. It’s just a few dents and some broken windows. Dean’s gonna get you fixed up in no time._

There’s a pause and then, _You’re right. You’re right, I’ll be okay._

There’s a thump and a snarling bark outside. Gwen looks on anxiously, then reaches back and grabs Coleman by both handles and hauls him into the front.

_What the hell is she doing? What the— what the fuck, no! He said stay in the car!_

Not listening to his obviously wise advice, Gwen opens the door, runs around to where Sam is pinned on the ground, and swings Coleman around by one handle. He feels an awful thump when he slams into the invisible thing, but it whimpers as it’s forced off of Sam.

_COLEMAN! What’s happening?! Are you okay?_

_Fuck, that hurt! I think I’m okay. Baby, you’ll never guess what just happened!_

Gwen drops him to the ground, but he’s right behind the glasses that got knocked off of Sam’s face. He doesn’t have any eyes, but that’s never stopped him from seeing things before, so he looks through the lenses to watch the rest of the fight.

_What?! What the hell is going on out there, Coleman? I can’t see it!_

He watches Sam back slowly away from the snarling hellhound as he tries to pinpoint its location. He watches the hellhound gather itself to leap on Sam, and he watches Sam stab the thing perfectly. Sam is liberally splattered with whatever passes for hellhound blood (ichor?) and the thing staggers and falls to the ground.

_I avenged you, Baby! I hit the hellhound right in the head so Sam could kill it._

_You what?!_

_I’m a hero!_

_You’re not a hero. You’re a cooler._

_I’m cooler than you anyway._

_Oh god. That was awful, Coleman._

_I saved you. Can you just let me have this one?_

There was a pause, and then, _Fine. You’re cooler than me. Cooler than Mac, too._

_Damn right I am!_

_Hey!_ said Mac. _What did I miss? How could you possibly think you’re cooler than me? I know every meme on the internet._

Gwen picks up Coleman and loads him back in his proper place in the back seat. _Mac, you’re such a geek. I’m a_ cooler _. Get it? Cooler than you?_

_Yeah, let it rest, Mac. He’s earned the right to one really bad pun._ Baby winces when Sam turns the key and there’s a new rattle.

_Hey, that was a good pun and you know it._

_Uh huh. How about you try it on Crowley when we get back._

He’s about to retort when they start moving and Coleman is reminded of the beating Baby took today. He can let it go. He’s cool like that.

_I said one really bad pun, not two._

_Whatever. I’m awesome and you know it. I’m a hunter._

He allows Baby to insult him all the way back without ever once retaliating. He can take it. He’s a hero.

**Author's Note:**

> It's time for [August's Coldest Hits!](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/164182290200/spncoldesthits-the-coleman-cooler-returns) Since I won last month, I got to choose this month's prompt, and I decided we all needed to see more of our favourite green cooler.
> 
> Here is normally where I'd ask you not to leave me kudos, but I won last month, so I'm not even going to try to dissuade you. Bring on the love! Give unto me all of your comments and kudos! And go visit [grey2510](http://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/series) for part one in this series if you haven't already.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr as @thayerkerbasy


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